While stress eating certainly isn't a good thing, at least I get to enjoy copious amounts of chocolate and junk food. When it flips the other direction I just get cranky
. I still haven't found an anti-anxiety, last choice from the doc wasn't covered by insurance. It was another SSRI so I'm not all that upset about it since it probably wasn't going to work anyway.
My doc thinks my increased anxiety is due to my meds. Well I've been on Wellbutrin for nearly a year now and Quartette for 2.5 months. If they were going to affect me I would have had issues awhile ago. Personally I just think it's coincidental. The push for me to get my license has gotten worse with Cody's car have finally completely died. My dad is letting us borrow his old car for now but he won't sign it over to us till I have my license. He thinks it's the only incentive for me to learn. If only he knew how little I cared for the damn thing and would blow it up in a heartbeat if I could. I don't know what went wrong with driving. I was doing pretty well. I could get to and from work and was starting to be ok going elsewhere (as long as it was late). But then Cody's car broke down for awhile and I was no longer comfortable driving it as it would do this terrifying shaking/rumbling thing for no reason and refuse to accelerate. We got it fixed but I still didn't go back to driving. Now it's worse than before. I drove to Krogers last Friday at 9:30-10ishpm. It's a 5 minute drive but by the time I pull into the parking lot I'm a sobbing mess begging Cody not to make me drive home.
Even when I'm not driving now I'm getting those painful bursts of panic in my gut that radiate out to make my arms and legs ache if I even think something is going to go wrong. A car looks like it's not going to slow down before turning into our lane, Cody has to hit the brakes because the dumbass in front of us is being a dumbass, someone cuts us off, Cody has to weave through traffic to get around an obsticale or broken down car. It's that feeling you get when you miss a step going down stairs but twice as bad. I can't physically process what's going on for a few seconds and can't move. Fuck just walking down the street last weekend had me in tears with the cars zooming past us at 50mph 3ft away. About the only good thing to come out of this is that my doctor is backing me up that this is a severe
anxiety/phobia disorder and my reactions to the panic could get myself and passengers killed if anything went wrong. It's gotten Cody and my dad to back the fuck off. I've got application papers for a therapist filled out that I'll be submitting later today. It's not CBT but I need to talk my issues out with someone before I have anyone begin to work hands on with the issue and "exposing" me to the stressors.
So back to the whole eating thing. The past few weeks my appetite has been going downhill. Instead of full meals I just graze on bits of whatever's in the apartment throughout the day. Then nothing we actually had appealed to me at all and I was getting most of my food from eating out/delivery. Yesterday I was doing fine. I was drawing and snacking on a handful of cookies&cream chex mix muddy buddies (if you haven't had these yet you need to!!!). My phone goes off with a text from my dad, "can u talk?". Our relationship has gotten better but 10 months of almost normal conversations doesn't smooth over 13yrs of emotional abuse. Now I'm nervous about talking to him, mostly because I know it's going to be about the car but also because he has no idea I'm not working. I'm still maintaining the guise of a job and telling him I won't be of work till later. Just looking at the basic interaction there was nothing wrong. He simply wanted Cody to move the car to his own insurance so it wouldn't be an issue driving it (I don't think you can insure a car you don't own but we'll see how that goes). But to me, there's the knee-jerk panic reaction of him wanting to talk, coupled with the fear of him finding out I quit my job, mixed with the now racing thoughts of how I still don't have my license and I just can't
drive so he's never giving us the car and it's going to be all my fault we have to shell out thousands for a new one and why the fuck can't I drive like every other dumbfuck on the street what the hell is wrong with me?
That gets caught in a feedback loop that keeps me shaky, dizzy, nauseated, and periodically crying for the rest of the day. I can't eat. By early evening I take half a clonezepam and two pepto bismols to calm down. The clonezepam is going to knock me on my ass once it kicks in so I didn't want to take it earlier. I manage to eat 5 bites of buttered noodles and half a cookie and I nearly throw it up. This morning I've manged 1 cookie and 1/3 a glass of milk but it made me feel as full as if I'd eaten half a pizza. Right now I have the rest of my buttered noodles and some veggies at me desk but the scent is nauseating. I haven't pulled off more than 1500 calories a day the past couple weeks and that's been dropping each day. Cody's noticing and getting worried. I think he plans to take me to Mcdonalds tonight as I've never turned that down once in 8.5yrs. I want my appetite back dammit! Really sucks when you can look at food but you don't see it as food. Right now I see my noodles/veggies as no different than my 3DS, it's just there.
Ok vent over. Enjoy some pictures of the woozles and my fish tank!
Dis getting a bit to hyper during playtime. She forgets I'm not a ferret and she can't be as rough. Don't worry, this was barely a pinch!
"See? Look how innocent I am!"
Lazy little Calamity.
And finally, my 40g tropical community tank!