"What? I'm comfy..."
Venting my thoughts in hopes to ease anxiety right now. I can't help but obsess over worst case scenarios and that's exactly what I'm doing now. For the past couple months or so Cody has been getting a rash on his face. At first we thought it was just dry skin but it's gotten much worse. He went to the doctor today and she's concerned it might be lupus. Fucking lupus!! Please for the love of whatever god their might be let my life be like a House episode...because it's never lupus.
I really wish I'd been there with him as he never remembers details. So I went into immediate panic mode when I realized his issue does match the butterfly rash symptom of lupus and if you search for "butterfly rash" all the results are about lupus.
Rationally I can tell myself that he doesn't have other symptoms, that I've already made an appointment for him with a dermatologist, that the rash only fits because it's a butterfly pattern and lupus is nowhere near as deadly as it used to be. 90% of people with lupus are still alive 10yrs after diagnosis and that's not to say it means they die on year 11 but that the study didn't continue after 10 years.
Irrationally I can tell myself he doesn't have other symptoms....yet, that severe lupus can lead to chronic pain, fatigue, depression, and fatal organ failure. So of course it's the bad stuff I can't stop thinking about. It doesn't help that I have a bad phobia of Cody dying in some manner or another, especially through some sort of disease. I'm a nervous fucking wreck right now and want nothing more than for him to just be allergic to something.
On top of all this dean called today. He's been extra annoying lately because there are job openings at his hospital for clinical research physicians. Starting pay is $17 an hour and part-time work is available. Yes the money would be very nice but it's not just about that. I have no idea if I'd even like that type of work (I could always shadow someone to see if I do) and I wouldn't have reliable transportation there. If I rode in and home with dean that would mean 6 possible lectures from him a week where he wouldn't be holding back since Cody wouldn't be there. There's no way dean would give me rides for long and then I'd be at the mercy of the buses which are shit. I don't know if I could handle working right now when I still have 1 week a month where I can barely function. He really wants me to move to a place with better public transportation, even offering to pay the fee to break our lease and help with rent. But I've gotten promises like that before that he never kept. Right now he's telling me anything he can to get me to agree with him.
The worst part was he assumed I was "ready for the next step in my life". Yup, easing mental illnesses is a straight linear path and I'm automatically capable of coping with shit like this because of how much time has passed since I quit walmart (which was a good 4 months before dean thinks I quit)/s. Despite Cody saying he doesn't care if I have a job or not he clearly wants me to do this. He really wants the money and wants a better place.
But I also have a pride issue with it all. I don't want his help. I don't want his handouts. I don't want to feel obligated to do anything for/with him ever again. I was just starting to feel ok again with how my life is going. I like having the freedom to do my hobbies while also taking care of the cooking, cleaning, and pet care. At that point housework becomes cathartic instead of being another stresser. I love drawing and would like to gain more support through patreon. I was more or less ok with things. Now I'm back into feeling horribly guilty and not good enough. I have a little over a week to decide if I want to shadow someone at the hospital and want to discuss it with my psychologist since my previous one didn't think I should be working at the time. I hate feeling like this.