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I'm so done...

Tue Mar 17, 2015, 5:54 PM
  • Mood: Insulted
  • Listening to: Audiomachine
  • Reading: Sojourn: The Legend of Drittz Book III
  • Watching: The Legend of Korra
Just when things were beginning to become bearable with my father he goes and proves how much of a fucking asshole he is. I can't deny that he has helped me a lot over the years, but all of it has been financially and only for things he thought I needed instead of what I actually needed. He's never been able to connect emotionally, it was the main reason for my parents divorce and why neither of my brothers talk to him anymore. 

His entire opinion on someone is based on how successful they are, and he has his own definition on what being successful is. He stopped offering help to my older brother because he didn't like the jobs he was holding and thought he was being "lazy" in regards to getting his band going strong. He essentially disowned my younger brother because he's morbidly obese and isn't currently doing anything to be healthier. He even blamed him for my moms heart attack last year and told him so in an email.

Since I'm the only one left that still lives near him, I've still had to keep talking to him and keep things civil. For the last year things were getting better between us. He was happy with what Cody and I were doing with our lives and freely helped us if we got in a pinch (this thoroughly pissed my mom off since he's not giving a penny to my brothers). After getting serotonin syndrome last week he even said I could wait on driving until I got the anxiety under control. Since he was pushing me to drive, it was the main reason I was looking for an anti-anxiety. I guess he feels partly responsible for me ending up in the hospital and almost dying.

Last night he called me. Even with a solid  year of good interactions with him seeing that he's the one calling still gives me a pit of dread in my stomach. He decided to reaffirm why I get it.

Apparently he was talking to Cody while I was asleep in the hospital about how I should get more schooling/training to "broaden my job opportunities". He tried to claim that Cody agreed with every word he said (he didn't). His current obsession is that I should look into becoming a veterinary technician.  Not a vet, but a vet tech. The biggest problem with talking to him is that it never occurs to him he has inaccurate information. He assumes he's right and I'm wrong.
It'd be another 2 years of college to just get an associates degree. And for what? I'm sure it'd be sooooo helpful for me to broaden my saturated job market skill with another saturated job market skill! Even the job market for full blown vets is overcrowded, you have to be super special to get a job in either field. 
He has no concept of what a vet tech actually does and severely overestimates their pay. He tried to say I'd earn more money as a vet tech than a field ecologist. 
Oh really? A field ecologist makes an average of $35,000 with possibilities for senior experts/researches to make $70,000. A veterinary technician makes and average of $28,000 annually with starting pay being closer to $18,800. It's possible to make $40,000 a year with tons of experience and training but it's not likely. Cody's job alone is jumping to a $46,000 per year salary in two months.

On top of all this is the fact that I don't even want to be a vet tech!!! I'm just not interested. I studied Ecology because I wanted to work with wild animals and help make their habitats and ecosystems better. Being stuck in a vet's office all day is the last thing I want to do.

I really hate being told what I should do with my life. Probably because all of the "advice" that I've ever gotten has been in the opposite direction to what I wanted. I'm on my own now. For fucks sake I'm 24yrs old! Cody and I talk  all the time about what our future plans are. I already have a life path set up and am working to make it happen.
What really pisses me off is that he gets upset when I'm not agreeing with him. "I'm just trying to help." Well I never fucking asked for help did I? I know all he's ever wanted were successful children set down in their lives by their mid-twenties (well he never actually wanted kids....). But that wasn't me. I had classmates like that. They started and lead environmental programs for the school, they did multiple internships before graduation, and they did a senior thesis project that meant something and earned awards (no seriously, this one girl earned every fucking award given out that year along with the thousands of dollars in prize money).
But that wasn't me.  I could barely handle going to classes and working a part time job. I spent my entire college life suicidally depressed, even lapsing back to cutting on a few occasions.

And now my same anxiety/depression issues have me jobless relying completely on Cody for support. I missed the sign-up date for the zoo internship and getting a driver's license is a total impossibility right now. Every time I talk to him I feel like a failure. I've never met his expectations and I'm never going to. I'll be my own version of successful, not his.

I'm cutting him out of my life as soon as possible. I'm not dealing with him anymore.

Skin made by pikadudeno1
with love ♥

Serotonin Storm

Tue Mar 10, 2015, 3:28 PM
  • Mood: Uneasy
  • Listening to: Audiomachine
  • Reading: Sojourn: The Legend of Drittz Book III
It's 1:30am. I'm sweating profusely and trying with little success to control full boy tremors. Unbelievable exhaustion and restlessness are at an equal match in my head. With a pounding head and a steadily rising temperature I admit defeat and wake Cody. It's time to go to the hospital.

So let's rewind a bit. Yesterday started out normal. After a lazy afternoon in bed Cody and I grab lunch at Cici's pizza and then head to the woods with Discord. It was her first time out and the park was rather crowded with people and dogs so she had to stay in our arms the whole time.  Of course everyone loved her, especially the kids! And Dis' loved meeting so many new people!

Here she is all curled up in my lap on the drive home.
Img 20150308 143325346 by LicianDragon

Things began to go downhill that afternoon. I became unusually tired and agitated. I lay down around 3pm  and from there I develop the fever, muscle tremors, myoclonus (rhythmic involuntary muscle contractions), agitation, restlessness, anxiety. Unbelievably worse than any panic attack I've ever had as you know something is wrong but there's not much you can do about it and your mind is to confused to fully make sense of everything. 

Two days ago my doctor put me on Effexor, an SNRI for depression/anxiety. I'd initially thought I was allergic to the effexor, but none of my symptoms fit an allergic reaction.  But below the listings of allergic reaction symptoms on every webpage I checked were those for a serotonin storm, otherwise known as serotonin syndrome or serotonin toxicity. It can range from a 24hr inconveniece but more often it's a serious poisoning that can very quickly kill you.

Well fuck.

I figured I had a mild case and tried to ignore it all and go to sleep. With each hour though I was getting worse. I finally woke Cody and went to the ER when I realized I was starting to slip in and out of severe confusion. The tremors were so bad they couldn't get a blood pressure reading on me without two nurses holding my arm still. Makes you wonder how they got an IV in me? Simple you see,

first they blow out some veins on one arm.
Img 20150310 094420076 Hdr by LicianDragon

Then they blow the veins on the other arm.
Img 20150310 094432632 Hdr by LicianDragon
(free internet cookie to whoever counts the correct number of needle sticks!)

Finally after a group of nurses holding an arm down all the way to my wrist they get it in!

Ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow ow :stare:

Img 20150309 111848897 by LicianDragon 
That still took two attempts as each stab would cause an involuntary tremor. The nurses felt horrible and I kept apologizing despite it being neither of our faults.

The doctor at first didn't take me seriously. I don't think serotonin syndrome was  in his mind at the time as he was assuming I thought these were side effects. He finally believed me after testing my reflexes. Hyperreflexia is another symptom. He knocks on my knee and I jerk so bad I nearly kick him in the face. He does it again and my whole body jumps in reaction.  Yup, definitely serotonin syndrome. 

I'm pumped full of benzos to stop the tremors and periactin to stop serotonin production. By now it's 4am and I've been admitted. The earliest I can go home is the next morning.  All my meds finally let me sleep. Every time I wake, the tremors start up again and I've given more meds. Ever had super extra strength benedryl? Chunks of time just disappear!

The entire time I'm there I'm hooked up to IV fluids to keep my hydrated. 

Fucker would beep every time the IV bag got low and it was ALWAYS when I was sleeping. :grump:
Img 20150309 111315118 by LicianDragon

I got discharged this morning and am mostly back to normal. Tired as shit but no more tremors! Unfortunately my doctor was a bit spooked by this and no longer feels comfortable prescribing me anything for my anxiety and I have to find a psychiatrist now. Not sure what's left to try now since both SSRI's and SNRI's are off my list...

For now I'm just going to be sleeping an awful lot. It'll be a couple weeks till I'm back to full strength. Until then, here's two more adorable Discord pictures!

Img 20150308 143342820 by LicianDragon

Img 20150308 143441204 by LicianDragon

Skin made by pikadudeno1
with love ♥


Will it stop you? Hope not.. by ChikitaWolf I am ME by xQueen-Sinesthesia Please Write a Critique by LumiResources justlikefatisntaninsult by PrincessFlaw
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Zyryphocastria Featured By Owner 3 days ago  Student Traditional Artist
Hello Nat,
 Thank you for your fave on my piece "Awaken Environment 1" and thanks for adding it to your collection! If you'd like, I would appreciate your further support by checking out and liking my facebook art page:…
 Eating Worms Zach
RagingChipmunk4 Featured By Owner 5 days ago…

Thought you might enjoy this as much as me! :D
LicianDragon Featured By Owner 4 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
That was awesome! Really love his singing voice! Now I want an instrumental version! =D
LicianDragon Featured By Owner 2 days ago  Hobbyist Digital Artist
OMG! I can't contain my excitement! :excited: :squee: Can we go NAO Ultra Excitement :lovesquee: :omgomgbb: :happy-wave: :yayay: - NaNoEmo 24/30 + Plz :squee: revamp Excite I Did It :excited: Rave Emote  Thank you!!!
(1 Reply)
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